Everything Is Disgusting. Part 5.

Eggbert sat in the drab, grey waiting room of the Yummy MacYum Head Office. Yummy MacYum owned nearly every brand in the world. If you could sell it, they did. It was a radio station (7FM - all the hits, all the time, all the slime), a hot dog factory (Puppy Delicious – More Dog For Your Bite), a Swiss watch manufacturer (Twatch – Every second is another moment) as well as several other money-making machines. It was 7am and the secretary looked like she knew it. Let's just say she was not the most helpful person on the planet. When Eggbert introduced himself, she snarled. He backed off and sat down. Her hair was a mess, a stylish mess but a mess none the less. And she had the rather irritating habit of laughing while on the phone. Not that Eggbert had anything against people who laughed. No, he was all for laughing, in fact, one might say that if there were two teams and one was against laughing and one was for it, Eggbert would be a cheerleader for the laughing team. It was laughing like a coked up prostitute on speed being beaten by her pimp that Eggbert had a problem with. Eggbert got up and paced the room. The secretary continued to laugh. Perhaps she was being paid to torture people in other countries via the phone line? He did not know. The suit the agency had sent with him snored quietly on the seat next to him with his eyes open. It was a trick everyone at the agency learned very quickly. The ability to fall asleep while listening to a client saved many heads from exploding. This suit had apparently become so conditioned to it, that he just did it naturally. Eggbert waved a hand in front of his face. Nothing. Eggbert continued to pace. It helped him think. In a few minutes time he was going to go into the office of one of the most powerful men on the planet and try and sell him evil mongooses. He ran over his strategy in his head.

"Hello Mr Weatherson. You are God. So listen, I'm from Ketch and Co and Johnny sent me over here to explain how we're going to handle your children's deodorant range. We're going to call it Plush Pythons. It'll be absolutely fucking amazing. Johnny says so."

Things seldom work out the way you plan them. Eggbert should have been more aware of this than most, given his current situation in life. But, of course, he wasn't.