Rat In A Mess

So there I am right, running through this freaking maze because hey, it’s what we always do and the time right now and at this point is; always. Whiskers a twitter, I make it past the square bit through the more squiggly bit and into this long straight bit I hadn’t been through, swing a sharp left and there it is.

Cheese.

Fucking cheese. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m a rat, I love cheese, I love cheese on Monday through Sunday and I love cheese on the in-between days, I love cheese on its own and I love cheese wrapped in cheese then deep fried in cheese and spread on cheese. Cheese is ok in my book.

But seriously, this is it? I’ve been running through the same fucking maze for months and now that I’ve done it, there’s… cheese?

And I’m thinking all this while I’m nibbling and it just gets to me, like, really gets to me. I’m sure 99% of all the other rats out there would be like “Oh FUCK yeah, cheese” but maybe I’m just not 99% of all the other rats. So I say fuck the cheese. Fuck it. I’m not letting another fucking rat work and struggle and spend all that fucking time in that maze just so they can get a big piece of cheese.

I run back the way I came, I leave the cheese, because I know there’s more suckers behind me and I figure they deserve a break, they should at least know, it’s just a block of cheese.
The first rat I run into is one of those fresh faced fuckers you always see in the sawdust, they think they’re special, that they’re chosen, instead of plucked.

I say “Hey son, just so you know, if you keep going, if you ever make it all the way to the other end, it’s just a block of cheese.”
And he says “You’re trying to trick me aren’t you? You don’t want to share the prize. You want to keep it to yourself. Well, tough luck soldier, I’m smarter than you.”

He bites my fucking leg, we tumble and we both end up the worse for wear, goes to show where trying to do someone a favour gets you. He skulks off, bleeding and squeaking, in the direction of his glorious fucking block of cheese and I do the same in the opposite direction.
Bleeding and more than a little fucked up, I get round this corner and there’s this other rat, old guy, nervous, like the Woody Allen of rats and I tell him “Listen mister, I know you’ve been doing this your whole life and all, but if you ever do make it all the way through here, it’s just a block of cheese.”

He’s freaked out. Like really freaked, I can tell because he shits himself right there and then. Covered in blood and rambling about a block of cheese, I’d probably shit myself too.
“Thank you for your advice sir, don’t think for a single second I don’t appreciate it but I’m afraid I don’t really know anything else but this maze so if it’s all the same to you, I’m going to carry on. Please don’t hurt me.”

And so he scuttles past me, wet and reeking of fear. Fuck him.

I’ve lost a lot of blood at this point so I just drag my sorry rat ass forward, back the way I came, back past through the squiggly bit and the square bit and I realize I’ve never seen the maze from this angle before and everything’s new and as I’m dragging and bleeding, I see a tail round a corner. I follow it, I figure I’ve got just enough blood left to tell one more rat and if I’m lucky, maybe they can tell the others.

So third rat, as we’ll call her, is just wondering around sniffing the walls and there’s some light coming in over the side and I think she can’t be very smart because she’s way-way-way off from the square bit and the squiggly bit that takes you to the long straight bit where the block of cheese is and maybe I shouldn’t even bother telling her because she was never going to find it anyway but maybe one day she’ll get lucky so what the hell.

“Hey lady!” and she looks at me and runs over with these big red eyes and starts licking my wounds which I haven’t really had time to do yet so it feels good and I figure maybe this rat isn’t too bad.

“Thank you” I say “but listen, I might not be here for much longer, I’ve lost a lot of blood and I really need to tell you something. At the end of the maze, if you make it all the way through, it’s… it’s just a block of cheese.”

“But what else could it be?” she says. And I sigh because I’ve failed again for the last time and this is it, rats will be running through this god damn fucking maze forever and what’s worse, this rat is ok with the fact that it’s a block of cheese.

“So you’re going to carry on after the cheese?” I ask her.

“I was never after the cheese, I’ve just always liked this part of the maze.”