The secretary walked into Mr Weatherson's office carrying a silver platter with 5 live puppies on it. Eggbert didn't want to know about the puppies. Whatever was going to happen to them, he wanted no part of. The secretary came out a minuet later and told them they could go in if they wanted to. Wanted had nothing to do with it and one would have thought the stupid bitch knew this, but no. Such was not Eggbert's luck, the little that he had. Eggbert kicked the suit in the shins to wake him up. Johnny had told him to do this and it was apparently accepted agency practice. After all they were just suits, if you needed a new one, you just shaved down a monkey and taught him to take notes. A few bananas every now and again and everyone was happy. The suit got up and grumbled something about the distinct lack of breakfast on offer at this particular establishment. Realising he was in fact, not at any particular establishment, he shut up and picked up the thick pieces of cardboard holding the masterful story boards for Johnny's latest wonderful idea. They walked into the office.
Inside the office, Mr Weatherson was busy doing an interview with the radio station he owned, 7FM. Of course the journalist was trying his best to be objective and question Mr Weatherson in a manner which suggested that this was a radio station you, the public could trust but it wasn't working very well.
"Mr Weatherson, some people say your company is dumping toxic baby sealskins in children 's playgrounds across the world. You were seen by several policemen and a judge dumping the sealskins yourself, and there were cameras rolling. How do you respond to that?"
"… What toxic baby sealskins?" There was a brief and awkward silence. Suddenly the sweaty little journalist scum burst out laughing. A nervous, placating sort of laughter. The type of laugh that says "You've just said something that I'm not going to disagree with because you'll fire my ass."
Eggbert sat down in the corner of the office, quietly. Why the hell had they been let into Mr Weatherson's office if he was busy doing a live interview? As the internet would say: wtf? Mr Weatherson turned then and looked at Eggbert. Weatherson's eyes had that bore into your soul quality to them. Then he smiled. The smile was worse.
"You'll have to forgive me. Every now and again I invite a journalist or DJ to spend the day with me so that the buying public can see that I'm just your average sort of guy." Weatherson said.
"Oh" said Eggbert. Eggbert wondered if it was such a good idea to discuss the marketing campaign for Weatherson's new range of children's deodorant on national radio. The suit came alive.
"Mr Weatherson, we're here to show you the new ad campaign and direction for your range of children's deodorant."
"Excellent, let's talk about this with our listeners." Eggbert was getting nervous. What the hell was Weatherson thinking? Johnny would kill him if word of his campaign leaked before it broke. A journalist posing as a tea lady had once infiltrated the agency and written about one of Johnny's campaigns before it broke. Johhny had apparently hung upside down like a bat inside the journalist's bedroom for hours then swooped down and stuck a pen in the man's head. All subsequent tea ladies hired had to be able to prove that they could neither read nor write. How this was done, only Johnny and an elite team of interrogators knew.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Everything Is Disgusting. Part 5.
Eggbert sat in the drab, grey waiting room of the Yummy MacYum Head Office. Yummy MacYum owned nearly every brand in the world. If you could sell it, they did. It was a radio station (7FM - all the hits, all the time, all the slime), a hot dog factory (Puppy Delicious – More Dog For Your Bite), a Swiss watch manufacturer (Twatch – Every second is another moment) as well as several other money-making machines. It was 7am and the secretary looked like she knew it. Let's just say she was not the most helpful person on the planet. When Eggbert introduced himself, she snarled. He backed off and sat down. Her hair was a mess, a stylish mess but a mess none the less. And she had the rather irritating habit of laughing while on the phone. Not that Eggbert had anything against people who laughed. No, he was all for laughing, in fact, one might say that if there were two teams and one was against laughing and one was for it, Eggbert would be a cheerleader for the laughing team. It was laughing like a coked up prostitute on speed being beaten by her pimp that Eggbert had a problem with. Eggbert got up and paced the room. The secretary continued to laugh. Perhaps she was being paid to torture people in other countries via the phone line? He did not know. The suit the agency had sent with him snored quietly on the seat next to him with his eyes open. It was a trick everyone at the agency learned very quickly. The ability to fall asleep while listening to a client saved many heads from exploding. This suit had apparently become so conditioned to it, that he just did it naturally. Eggbert waved a hand in front of his face. Nothing. Eggbert continued to pace. It helped him think. In a few minutes time he was going to go into the office of one of the most powerful men on the planet and try and sell him evil mongooses. He ran over his strategy in his head.
"Hello Mr Weatherson. You are God. So listen, I'm from Ketch and Co and Johnny sent me over here to explain how we're going to handle your children's deodorant range. We're going to call it Plush Pythons. It'll be absolutely fucking amazing. Johnny says so."
Things seldom work out the way you plan them. Eggbert should have been more aware of this than most, given his current situation in life. But, of course, he wasn't.
"Hello Mr Weatherson. You are God. So listen, I'm from Ketch and Co and Johnny sent me over here to explain how we're going to handle your children's deodorant range. We're going to call it Plush Pythons. It'll be absolutely fucking amazing. Johnny says so."
Things seldom work out the way you plan them. Eggbert should have been more aware of this than most, given his current situation in life. But, of course, he wasn't.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
In The Town of Los Angeles, 1994
And it came to be in the town of Los Angeles that an oracle did descend from the heavens and approach me one night as I lay slumbering.
And it roused me with its pulsating light that did turn the insides of my eyes a dull red colour that slowly faded back to black, again and again.
And it said to me
"Awake, Sir, for I am here to bestow upon you a mighty gift and indeed, a gift for all mankind."
And I did sit up straight and heed the oracles words.
"I can answer any question you have. I am the complete sum of human intelligence throughout history. And if the answer does not exist yet, millions of people could be thinking about it in seconds, all you need to do is ask the question. I am the greatest, most sublime phenomena since the invention of language itself and I am here for you, whenever you need me. What would you like to know? What would you like to see? Who would you like to listen to? What will be the first request you ask of the oracle?"
And I did say unto the Oracle
"I would like to look at a naked woman."
And it roused me with its pulsating light that did turn the insides of my eyes a dull red colour that slowly faded back to black, again and again.
And it said to me
"Awake, Sir, for I am here to bestow upon you a mighty gift and indeed, a gift for all mankind."
And I did sit up straight and heed the oracles words.
"I can answer any question you have. I am the complete sum of human intelligence throughout history. And if the answer does not exist yet, millions of people could be thinking about it in seconds, all you need to do is ask the question. I am the greatest, most sublime phenomena since the invention of language itself and I am here for you, whenever you need me. What would you like to know? What would you like to see? Who would you like to listen to? What will be the first request you ask of the oracle?"
And I did say unto the Oracle
"I would like to look at a naked woman."
Everything Is Disgusting. Part 4.
"Did I ever tell you about the time we did the Robodeath 2399 part 2 campaign Eggbert?"
"The campaign that was so ingenious that it was banned because it was putting universities out of business if I remember correctly. Was that your campaign master?"
Eggbert of course knew it was his campaign but it felt right to ask anyway.
"Of course it was! Who else could of thought of something so… so… ingenious?!?! Anyway, so we have to animate a million electronic robots tearing up the city, as the robots do in the game. The shoot wasn't hard but then came the actual animation. We get to the fine artist we've paid to do the animation, turns out he's never heard of a computer so he wants to do the whole thing by hand, never mind the fact that we had to be on air the next day, so I say fine, do it. I sat with him the whole night while he animated that ad and you know what happened Eggbert?"
"No master"
"We ran out of red. It was 2:30am and we had no red. You know why we had no red Eggbert? Because of all the bloody blood in the ad. So you know what I did Eggbert?"
"No master"
"I cut my wrists and we used real blood Eggbert. I cut them with a butter knife because it was the only piece of cutlery that dirty hippie owned and we smeared my blood over page after page. By the end of it, I was nearly dead and the hippie wasn't talking to me. And do you know what I said after that Eggbert?"
"What master?"
"I have no idea. I was checking if you knew. Anyway, take the Plush Pythons idea over to the client and tell them that if they don't buy it, they can start looking for a new singing dancing monkey because this ape won't tango anymore without their sign-off on the Plush Pythons masterpiece."
"The campaign that was so ingenious that it was banned because it was putting universities out of business if I remember correctly. Was that your campaign master?"
Eggbert of course knew it was his campaign but it felt right to ask anyway.
"Of course it was! Who else could of thought of something so… so… ingenious?!?! Anyway, so we have to animate a million electronic robots tearing up the city, as the robots do in the game. The shoot wasn't hard but then came the actual animation. We get to the fine artist we've paid to do the animation, turns out he's never heard of a computer so he wants to do the whole thing by hand, never mind the fact that we had to be on air the next day, so I say fine, do it. I sat with him the whole night while he animated that ad and you know what happened Eggbert?"
"No master"
"We ran out of red. It was 2:30am and we had no red. You know why we had no red Eggbert? Because of all the bloody blood in the ad. So you know what I did Eggbert?"
"No master"
"I cut my wrists and we used real blood Eggbert. I cut them with a butter knife because it was the only piece of cutlery that dirty hippie owned and we smeared my blood over page after page. By the end of it, I was nearly dead and the hippie wasn't talking to me. And do you know what I said after that Eggbert?"
"What master?"
"I have no idea. I was checking if you knew. Anyway, take the Plush Pythons idea over to the client and tell them that if they don't buy it, they can start looking for a new singing dancing monkey because this ape won't tango anymore without their sign-off on the Plush Pythons masterpiece."
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Everything Is Disgusting. Part 3.
"I've got an idea for a TV ad for…for… Plush Pythons… yes, that's what we'll call them, Plush Pythons, fucking brilliant Ketch, genius. I know Johnny but I couldn't have done it without you. You're too much really…"
"Sir-" Eggbert began.
"What did you call me Eggbert?!?!"
"I mean Master"
"What is it Eggbert? If I forget this TV ad before you've written it down, society as a whole will blame you for the downfall of modern civilization and I will take it on as my personal responsibility to make sure you wind up writing headlines for the local high school newspaper, do you understand me Eggbert?"
"Yes, I-"
"Yes "what" you snivelling bag of festering vomit?"
"Yes, master I'm sorry, I must have forgotten myself."
"Forgotten yourself? Forgotten…forgotten… Dear Jesus christing fuck , I've forgotten the TV ad, I'm going to kill you Eggbert, I'm going to flay you alive and serve you to the client service department as starters, then have them shit you out and eat you again as the main course."
"You've got the words "TV ad is all about stinky mongooses that the snakes chase away" written on your notepad, could that have anything to do with it?"
"Fucking brilliant Eggbert, fucking brilliant, we'll have stinky mongooses that attack the kids and then the noble Plush Pythons will chase them away, leaving the kids smelling new and fresh, like a car!"
"Thank you master but-"
"No, no buts Eggbert, you're the man for me, you're hired, when can you start?"
"Actually I already work for you master, you hired me last week after I balanced that seal on my nose for half an hour."
"That's amazing. And I did all this with no help whatsoever?"
"Did what exactly si..master?"
"Built this advertising agency from the ground up. Won every prize and award there is to win for creative brilliance."
"ummm… Yes."
"Now what did you want me for Eggbert? Can't you see I'm busy?"
"But you called me master."
"Are you calling me a liar Eggbert?"
"Heavens no master, it's just that-"
"Stop your lies boy and write this down. The child is with a friend, perhaps another child, they're walking through some sort of enchanted forest. There are birds everywhere. They go "tweet". Suddenly, out of the blue, a heard of restless and ruthless mongooses storm the castle walls, yelling "Bad smell good! Bad smell good!" The children cower in fear. They are along and afraid in this stinky world. But lo! What's this? A team of X-treme Plush Pythons parachute in from their apache helicopter, they land and "SSSSS" the mongooses, destroying their stinky ways. The children are euphoric. They dance, joyfully and celebrate their victory by drinking the blood of their enemies out of skulls. Actually forget that last part, children can't dance for shit."
"Yes… master."
"Sir-" Eggbert began.
"What did you call me Eggbert?!?!"
"I mean Master"
"What is it Eggbert? If I forget this TV ad before you've written it down, society as a whole will blame you for the downfall of modern civilization and I will take it on as my personal responsibility to make sure you wind up writing headlines for the local high school newspaper, do you understand me Eggbert?"
"Yes, I-"
"Yes "what" you snivelling bag of festering vomit?"
"Yes, master I'm sorry, I must have forgotten myself."
"Forgotten yourself? Forgotten…forgotten… Dear Jesus christing fuck , I've forgotten the TV ad, I'm going to kill you Eggbert, I'm going to flay you alive and serve you to the client service department as starters, then have them shit you out and eat you again as the main course."
"You've got the words "TV ad is all about stinky mongooses that the snakes chase away" written on your notepad, could that have anything to do with it?"
"Fucking brilliant Eggbert, fucking brilliant, we'll have stinky mongooses that attack the kids and then the noble Plush Pythons will chase them away, leaving the kids smelling new and fresh, like a car!"
"Thank you master but-"
"No, no buts Eggbert, you're the man for me, you're hired, when can you start?"
"Actually I already work for you master, you hired me last week after I balanced that seal on my nose for half an hour."
"That's amazing. And I did all this with no help whatsoever?"
"Did what exactly si..master?"
"Built this advertising agency from the ground up. Won every prize and award there is to win for creative brilliance."
"ummm… Yes."
"Now what did you want me for Eggbert? Can't you see I'm busy?"
"But you called me master."
"Are you calling me a liar Eggbert?"
"Heavens no master, it's just that-"
"Stop your lies boy and write this down. The child is with a friend, perhaps another child, they're walking through some sort of enchanted forest. There are birds everywhere. They go "tweet". Suddenly, out of the blue, a heard of restless and ruthless mongooses storm the castle walls, yelling "Bad smell good! Bad smell good!" The children cower in fear. They are along and afraid in this stinky world. But lo! What's this? A team of X-treme Plush Pythons parachute in from their apache helicopter, they land and "SSSSS" the mongooses, destroying their stinky ways. The children are euphoric. They dance, joyfully and celebrate their victory by drinking the blood of their enemies out of skulls. Actually forget that last part, children can't dance for shit."
"Yes… master."
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Everything Is Disgusting. Part 2.
"Phlush!" screamed Johnny, wetly spitting the fish out his mouth.
"What?" said Eggbert, putting down the bucket of fish and scrambling to get out his notepad and pen so he could write down Johnny's creative gem.
"Plush you fool! Plush!" Eggbert wrote down the word "Plush" hoping this was an actual idea and not another game Johnny was playing.
"We'll make the entire range into plush toys! Kids love plush! More fish Eggbert!" Eggbert threw another fish at Johnny, missing hopelessly, he scribbled down the words "Entire range made out of plush."
Eggbert hoped that at some stage, Johnny would tell him exactly what it was they were supposed to be brainstorming.
"It's a new range of children's deodorant. Children smell like shit ergo children's deodorant. We'll make the new bottle out of plush and give them character and personalities. Maybe a bunch of snakes or other creatures who go "SSSS" when you apply pressure to their heads."
"Genius Johnny"
"Superb"
"I'll get on the horn to the suppliers immediately."
"I'll set up a brain storm to work out what other creatures we could use."
Johnny thought things and when he did, people ran to make sure they happened. Such is the job of a creative mastermind.
Eggbert spent the rest of the morning briefing the designers on what to scamp up for the client. "Snakes you say?" said Bradley, the lead designer, picking up his marker pen and sticking his tongue out. "Yes, snakes. Friendly ones that go "SSSS" when you apply pressure to their heads. I've worked out some names for them but I think right now we should just present the concept."
"mmmm…Ok." Bradley walked slowly back to his Macintosh, tapping his pen as he walked going "SSSSS"…."Friendly snakes"…."SSSS"…
"Eggbert you fool! Get in here!" Johhny yelled across the studio, Eggbert dropped his coffee all over the sandwich lady and ran towards Johnny's office. "Yes master?" he said.
"What?" said Eggbert, putting down the bucket of fish and scrambling to get out his notepad and pen so he could write down Johnny's creative gem.
"Plush you fool! Plush!" Eggbert wrote down the word "Plush" hoping this was an actual idea and not another game Johnny was playing.
"We'll make the entire range into plush toys! Kids love plush! More fish Eggbert!" Eggbert threw another fish at Johnny, missing hopelessly, he scribbled down the words "Entire range made out of plush."
Eggbert hoped that at some stage, Johnny would tell him exactly what it was they were supposed to be brainstorming.
"It's a new range of children's deodorant. Children smell like shit ergo children's deodorant. We'll make the new bottle out of plush and give them character and personalities. Maybe a bunch of snakes or other creatures who go "SSSS" when you apply pressure to their heads."
"Genius Johnny"
"Superb"
"I'll get on the horn to the suppliers immediately."
"I'll set up a brain storm to work out what other creatures we could use."
Johnny thought things and when he did, people ran to make sure they happened. Such is the job of a creative mastermind.
Eggbert spent the rest of the morning briefing the designers on what to scamp up for the client. "Snakes you say?" said Bradley, the lead designer, picking up his marker pen and sticking his tongue out. "Yes, snakes. Friendly ones that go "SSSS" when you apply pressure to their heads. I've worked out some names for them but I think right now we should just present the concept."
"mmmm…Ok." Bradley walked slowly back to his Macintosh, tapping his pen as he walked going "SSSSS"…."Friendly snakes"…."SSSS"…
"Eggbert you fool! Get in here!" Johhny yelled across the studio, Eggbert dropped his coffee all over the sandwich lady and ran towards Johnny's office. "Yes master?" he said.
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